The Well-Armed Lamb:The Bleat Goes On!: Careers of the Future, Part 17: "Homeland Security Officer"

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Careers of the Future, Part 17: "Homeland Security Officer"

Now THIS is a great fucking idea: Granting 'degrees' in "homeland security."
The world has awaited the development of a new "major" for ineducable jocks and assorted other frat-house troglodytes waiting out maturity in college.
I mean, c'mon! Isn't that really what's been missing all along? This is the degree for Michael Vick. Hasn't it always struck you that what the country needs is the right credential for Blackwater's, or others', thugs, to lend the patine of scholarly legitimacy to their storm-trooper mentality: A 'degreed' corps of 'security professionals' trained in 'real-time crisis management'--including, one has no trouble imagining, extreme property protection and 'mob control,' and how to tell criminal 'looters' from desperate 'foragers' (hint: it's the hair)...
Yeah, if I were on the Faculty Senate someplace, I'd sure vote to start such a program at MY college/university/institution of higher learning...
With a minor in Transportation Safety Administration Inspection, it's life-time employment.

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Dr. Woody's Droll Dichos & Homey Homilies

"Tweet" and "Twitter": Last gasps of cultural canaries in this hyper-mediated "coal-mine."
A 'gentleman' should be known by the quality of his intoxicants and his generosity with them.
A 9-letter word meaning "Thinking 'Everyone's out to get me.'" 'Paranoiac? "No,"Observant."
A MINIMUM wage that is NOT also a LIVING wage is makes a mockery of "working for a living."
A burning flag never hurt anybody who wasn't wrapped in it.
Age inflicts the subtlest injuries.
Agnosticism: A conviction that arguing over the 'existence' of 'gods' is only idol speculation...
Allowing White people to "define" racism in Murka is like letting priests define pederasty.
Atheism is a "religion" the same way "Off" is a TV channel.
Causation in human affairs is ALWAYS retrospective.
Celebrities are known for BEING known, not for WHAT they know.
Civility is the shit-soaked ball-gag the powerful force onto the People to silence their rage.
Class war only occurs when the workers fight back
Correlation is not causality, but it is close enough for schadenfreude,
Credit cards are nothing so much as renewable instruments of indenture.
Depressions are only really bad for 98-99% of folks. The rest do okay.
Do not automatically impute to 'stupidity' what can equally well be explained by 'malice.'
Do you have the sense that it's already been as good as it's gonna get?
Don't expect to be treated nicely by people to whose faith you are a living rebuke.
Economics is the scientific application of high-level maths to the job of making the Rulers look good.
Everybody's got 'baggage'. What matters is how and what you pack.
Faith is NOT an automatic dispensation from the requirementrs of reason and logic.
Free will (#1) is a handy myth by which the Owners can blame the Losers for their own fate and make the Losers accept the verdict.
Free will (#2) is a metaphorical trap by which the Oners/Owners persuade the powerless to blame themselves for their own oppression.
Freedom in any civilization is measured by the distance between the Church and the State.
Freedom isn't free; so quitcher bitchin', and pay your fucking taxes...
Grafitti is the art of "self-inscryption."
Great wealth is never "innocent."
Grown-ups don't expect "credit" for doing the right thing, or for NOT doing the wrong one.
Hope is emotional morphine. It doesn't relieve pain, it anulls anxiety about it.
Humanity: A cosmic experiment, testing if Life can survive self-consciousness. The Null Hypothesis appears safe.
I always scored "high" on drug tests...
I believe in higher powers; they're called "exponents."
I find the most vitriolic critics of lawyers usually have NOT been "defendants."
I never lost a job; I knew where every damn one of 'em was the day they let me go...
I'll believe you don't solve problems by throwing money at them when people with money stop throwing it at their problems.
I've not got much use for those who gotta have "God" to be good.
If I know your religious beliefs, and I haven't asked you about'em, you've said too much.
If it's my weed, we're on my schedule; if it's yours, I'm flexible.
If men were conditioned from birth to autofellate, they'd never have to leave the house; there'd be world peace in a generation...
If religious people were susceptible to reason, they wouldn't BE religious people.
If you get better with age, I must SURELY be approaching "splendid" by now.
In a dog's eyes, there's no such thing as "size."
In principle, there are a gazillion explanations for "things" that DON'T require "god," or "divine will" and only one that does. I like the odds.
In the "real" world, nobody cares HOW you win, only THAT you do...
In the Corporate State, corporate media are State Media.
Is "freedom" an intellectual/emotional antidote--the speculative antivenin--to the snake-bite certainty of determinism?
It is often easier an more effective to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.
It's hard to quit being an asshole, because it requires admitting you were an asshole to begin with.
It's your pain. Nobody gets to tell you what hurts, how much or what helps.
Law functions best to insulate the Rulers from the insolence of the unruly.
Life is so rich, so variegated, so fecund that I find it unlikely that it is rare.
Life's an existential tautology: It's only purpose is to "be."
Life's too short to drink cheap Scotch,
Men seldom realize they're in the shit til it closes over them.
Men who weep at tragedy are "compassionate"; a weeping woman is "weak."
Metaphor: The art of calling something what it is not, and being understood.
NOTHING of which humans are capable has NOT at some time been both a sin and a sacrament.
No 'quiet desperation.' Not here; here, the despair is LOUD and RUDE.
No language is either "inferior" or "superior." None is "better" nor "worse." Each one uniquely conveys the conditions its speakers require it to describe.
No people, no country, which rewards "entrepreneurs" with profit from the misery of their neighbors and its citizens, --their illness, injury, imprisonment, disability or death--can be regarded as humane and deserves to be called "civilized." That's a nation of fucking, blood-sucking parasites....
No reliable CorpoRat sycophant, of which ever "party," ever left Congress broke.
Nobody gets religion like a slut gone "good."
Nobody's ever too old to be an orphan.
One may be honestly mistaken; but upon learning what is true, one must thereafter cease to be either 1) mistaken or 2) honest.
One may safely ignore those who loudly or proudly proclaim their own sanctity or enlightenment.
One seldom mutters imprecations when drunk that one does NOT think when sober.
One thing "faith" makes possible: ENDLESS self-deception!
One thing about being a solipsist is, you're never really alone.
Optimism is the secular equivalent of "faith."
People who mock lawyers mostly have never been defendants.
Religion is how folks who need 'purpose' invent it.
Religion is the safest grift: Nobody can say "God" didn't "say" what you say "He said."
Sarcasm: For when it's really NOT worth prison.
Sex is just sex. All the rest is adjectives.
Speed kills. Weed chills.
Television: Electronic thorazine for an irritable polis.
That I am not surprised does not mean I am not outraged.
The "positive thinking" and "self-reliance" rhetoric is a tool the Bosses use to blame the proles for failing to overcome the hurdles, pitfalls, and obstacles the Owners set before them.
The "sin" at the root of all "religious" crimes is "thought."
The Bosses don't have to control what you think as long as they control what you think about, and how you think about it."
The Difference? Drunks run stop-signs; stoners wait for 'em to turn green.
The Rich make "choices": Porsche or Jag;the poor make "decisions": Food or rent.
The Secret of Life: It's doable, once you quit expecting it not to suck.
The biggest difference between "flying" and "falling" is in the landing.
The epitome of human hubris is the frantic search for the cure for death.
The greatest privilege the privileged enjoy is the privilege of pretending they aren't privileged.
The more knowledge there is, the less "miraculous" the Universe seems, but the MORE astonishing.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
The person who says money can't buy happiness probably doesn't know where to shop.
There CANNOT be a meaningful political "democracy" amid a totalitarian economy.
There is no such thing as an "outside" joke.
There's nothing in the 'worst' of us that isn't in ALL of us.
They say, youo can't cheat an honest man. Don't belive it. You can.
Thinking: What we call the process of turning feelings into words.
Treat your 'faith' like your dick: Don't shove it in somebody's face unless they ask...
United, we bargain; divided, we beg.
Usurpers are endlessly inventive in "defense" of the stolen.
What Coprophagy is to nutrition, so exactly is Ayn Rand to intellect.
What we detest most in ourselves, infallibly we detect immediately in others.
What you see depends not on what you're looking at, but what you're looking for.
What's the loneliest waterway in the world? Bayou Selphe...
When in doubt, you're probably right.
When you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. But if you have ANYTHING,m then you have EVERYTHING to lose.
Who can convince you to believe the impossible can induce you to do the unthinkable.
Without deadlines, I'd have had far fewer headlines.
Wolf pups snapping at one anothers' heels aren't simply "playing," they're PRACTICING.
You are NOT "What you eat." You are what you don't excrete.
You can't sell your soul and then pretend you still have one.
You do not "know" what you cannot "say."
You don't have be very smart to confuse the truly stupid.
You get what you'll settle for.

The Well-Armed Lamb:
The Bleat Goes On!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Careers of the Future, Part 17: "Homeland Security Officer"

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