Friday, August 29, 2008

Dear Woody: Got Any Advice For Me?

Well now that you mention it...

Seriously, yesterday (Thu, 8/28) a regular feature on MLW inquired about the content of and sources for the "best" advice you ever got. It prompted the following from me:
"Most" women will tell you they love you just as you are, and then spend their lives--and yours--trying to change you. Let 'em.
You'll never get "credit" with your spouse for doing the right thing or not doing the wrong one. So don't ask.
If a woman tells you she's done with you, there's no point in arguing; just pack your grip and go.
Everybody knows the words that will end it, if that's what you want. Just say 'em.
You are responsible for preventing procreation if you do not wish the responsibility of reproducing.

Don't mix fermented and distilled booze.
Avoid sweet drinks, cuz they're most likely to result in hangovers.
After heavy drinking, try to take a good, healthy dump before retiring, cuz it reduces the morning-after discomfort.
Chuggin' 8oz of warm, flat 7-up will take care of the rest.

"They fuck you up, your mom and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can
And don't have any kids yourself."
(by Philip Larkin)

Never play poker with anybody named "Doc."
Never shoot pool for money with anybody named "Fats."
Never play ANYBODY ANYTHING for money on their own personal equipment.
Bet your money, learn to lose.

Blue eyes, fair hair: there is no such thing as too much sun-screen.
There's only one sure way to look good in a hat: you gotta THINK you look good in a hat.
A gentleman should be known for the quality of his intoxicants and his generosity with them.
There's no such thing as an outside joke.
And remember, always:
The fix is always in:
The deal's gone down;
The game is cooked;
The dice are loaded;
The wheels are rigged;
The decks are marked, shaved, and stacked;
The dealers ALL cheat,
And the chefs spit in the souffle...

That's just how it is.

As for the sources, mostly 50 years or so of first-hand experience: "the hard way."

No comments: