Listed below in bold, are the standard translations of the maxims Jesus is alleged to have set forth in "the sermon on the Mount," in which he is said to have articulated the form of 'godly' action that would assure the citizens of Palestine 2000 years ago a smooth passage into the lap of Yaweh. In italic, beneath each one is my suggestion for the "new, improved, Conservatard Bible."
So, for instance:
* Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 3) becomes:
Stupid are the poor in spirit. Good luck with that.
* Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land. (Verse 4) becomes:
Easy are the meek, for they are easy marks and pushovers.
* Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Verse 5) becomes:
Grateful are the whiners, for they shall get on TV.
* Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. (Verse 6), becomes:
Thinner are they that hunger and thirst after justice, for that shall be called a "diet."
* Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. (Verse 7) is then:
Foolish are the merciful. Kick 'em while they're down.
* Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God. (Verse 8) henceforth is:
Horny are the clean of heart, for they shall not get laid.
* Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. (Verse 9) is now:
Wealthy are the warmongers, for they shall reap righteously of the slaughter.And finally:
* Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 10) hereafter shall be:
Fucked are they who suffer persecution for justice' sake, for they shall ALWAYS be persecuted.